A Few A&M Quickies

• Okay, here’s my question, why do they never have a camera crew where Mort is? Where the fuck does he go? You’re telling me there isn’t one camera in the vicinity? “And for more on Daunte Culpepper’s allergies, here’s Mort, live from the Bermuda triangle.”

• I really like the Killers, but they want to be Queen so bad it’s getting a little embarrassing. If the lead singer starts blowing random people in the crowd we may have to have an intervention

• Three things that will always baffle me no matter how many times they are explained: 1) How planes fly 2) How printers work 3) Why really famous, really handsome celebrities grow dumb, little moustaches

• Number 3 is especially pertinent, have you seen Brad Pitt lately? Shit, Maddox finally got his first pube and fake Dad fucking shaved it off and glued it to his nose.

• I never thought I’d say this, but I definitely don’t want to have sex with Madonna anymore. She’s still hot and all, but honestly, I think it’d hurt. Her buttcheeks are like two sawed-down bricks. Can you imagine slamming into her as hard as you can (b/c you know you don’t tap Madge) for 20 minutes? It’d be like trying to get a first down against the Ravens and then trying to fuck Haloti Ngata in the pile.

• While we’re chatting about Madonna, I think A Rod might be the only guy in the history of the world who would answer the “how’s my dick taste question?” Can’t you see Guy bumping into A Rod at JFK, asking that question with a “I’ve had 14 beers even though I’m dead sober” smirk and then having A Rod purse his lips and say “it tastes like cherry coke, Guy, flat cherry coke,” and then saunter away triumphantly?
  

• One more Madonna / Guy / A Rod joke, you know those weird Verizon commercials when someone points over their shoulder at the “network” and that weird looking cunt with the glasses is standing there with a “suck that, Class of 91!” look on his face? Wouldn’t it be amazing if Guy saw A Rod at the airport and said, “oh by the way, it’s not just my dick, it’s our dicks,” and then points over his should at everyone Madonna’s ever slept with? Rodman, Canseco, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Santa Claus, Vanilla Ice, Michael Jackson, David Blaine, JKF Jr., the tiger that mauled Roy…

• So the Lions are 0-12, horrible defense, pitiful offense, have no hope, no good young players other than Calvin Johnson, basically the laughing stock of the league. Now, let’s say Rod Marinelli goes to his boss’ office and asks for a 10 yr extension but doesn’t present any kind of plan for improving the team, he just brings pictures of his kids and his assistants’ kids and says how much it will totally suck for everyone involved if he gets canned. Isn’t that exactly what the Big 3 just did?

• Okay, okay, I get it, Britney is healthy now, clean, sober. But when did her face get so manly? What the fuck happened? I watched a few minutes of that MTV documentary and kept thinking to myself, “man, Ryan Philippe is totally going to win an Emmy for this.”

• I didn’t like the new Kanye the first time I heard it, but it’s growing on me in a hurry. After all, new Kanye is new Kanye. Let’s say you’re fooling around with your girl and she starts to go down on you – but then, all of a sudden she says, “you know what? I’m bored with plain old BJs.” So she stands you up, directs you to lay face down on the kitchen counter with your bottom half hanging over the edge, then she kneels beneath you, supports your legs with her hands and then and blows you that way. I mean, it’s kinda weird and unexpected, but it’s still head, right? Once is weird, twice is better and after 15 times you can’t remember ever feeling like it was strange. That’s the new Kanye.