They Get Longer As You Go

Homeless Jingles
Here’s a question, why do homeless people still jingle their change when you walk by, what else is in the cup? This is like a Greenpeace activist yelling "signatures," a 4yr old girl yelling "terrible lemonade," or a prostitute yelling "tattered vagina." We know what it is and what you want. You don't need to fucking advertise that shit.


Gaguilera
I feel very confident about the following statement: if Christina Aguilera spent three weeks doing heroin, living off the street and blowing flunkies and homeless guys she’d be Lady Gaga. However, I don’t know what the adverse of that would be; what would Lady Gaga need to do for three weeks before she turned into Christina? Shower with $10,000 soap and fuck a giant rat? Record an all-Spanish album to honor her Ecuadorian kindergarten teacher? I'm open to any and all suggestions on this one.


CD Reviews
How dumb are CD reviews? I think it was Bob Dylan who said that “writing about music is like dancing about architecture.” Now, I have no idea what that means, but because Dylan said it I will look eminently more intelligent by quoting it. Music is so subjective that the job of the music journalist should be to categorize or attempt to categorize, not to explain how the music should make you feel. Place the music in context (currently and historically), mention its influences, tell a few stories about the CD being made and that's it. Instead we get 2,000 word reviews like this where the reviewer uses the term “thrust-grunting” at least 5 times. I’m here to fix this. In addition to the background info above, each CD should be rated according to the following five-point system – the “reviewer” will check all that apply.

This CD makes me want to:
- Get really drunk with my friends
- Get really high and listen carefully
- Fuck the closest human next to me
- Pick a fight and win / lose (circle one)
- Sit in a room by myself and write nonsensical thoughts in a journal

Doesn’t that list tell you as much as you need to know about a new CD? Sure as shit tells you more than “thrust-grunting” – I mean, you can just check #3 for that. You're welcome.


Analogizing LeBron
For the past 3 months, every writer in America has struggled to make the right sports analogy for what we’re witnessing with LeBron right now. He’s Jordan. He’s Bird. He’s a cool Kobe. He’s Jordan and Magic in the same body. He’s Tiger Woods. He’s Tiger Woods, crossed with Jordan with a dusting of Tom Brady. All of these work and none of these work. What we’re watching transcends sports, so let’s make our hair look like a buttcheek and go Outside the Lines on this one. I think the best comparison for 2009 LeBron is a mid-nineties Jenna Jameson. Think about it, Jenna revolutionized everything, redefined an industry, was the most unstoppable force on the planet. Whether she was the star of the scene or just helping out in the background, you could never take your eyes off her, in other words, much like LeBron, she didn’t need the ball in her hands to make an impact. LeBron can play multiple positions, and play them better than anyone in recent memory, he can go big, go small, and offers a significant tactical advantage from every place on the floor. The most startling comparison is the fact that neither of them have / had reached their full potential at this point. LeBron’s game revolves around his otherworldly athleticism, he’s a specimen and doesn’t need a traditional basketball arsenal to score 40. Once he develops a low post game, similar to MJ and Kobe, he will literally be unstoppable, he might score 50 a game. With Jenna, she was so hot and so dirty she could just coast by on her natural talent. But in the late 90s when she developed that spitting blow job move that became her signature for the rest of her career, she officially earned the name “The Queen of Porn” and has been justly revered ever since. There's a lot of LeBron in Jenna. That’s not a title of an upcoming movie, it’s a fact.






JR

Underrated Part About Getting Tickets to See The Raconteurs at Bimbo's

You know what's underrated about getting tickets to see The Raconteurs at Bimbo's?

Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. This is so properly rated I just busted in my pants.

Thanks,
Jericho

Underrated Day 3: Music

Underrated Band: Blind Melon

Ready for bold statement #1? Blind Melon’s self-titled album is one of the best rock records of the last 25 years. Falsely labeled a “grunge pop” group after “No Rain,” millions of people bought the album hoping for 13 No Rains and were turned off by Blind Melon’s bluesy take on alternative rock. Listen to the record again and you’ll hear a little Alice in Chains, a little David Bowie, even a little White Stripes in the playful vocals about serious topics. Take No Rain off the playlist and then turn this up real, real loud, a total bad fucking ass record.


Underrated Shredder: Mike McCready, Pearl Jam

This won’t be news to die hard PJ fans, we’ve been getting our heads blown off by McCready for years, but for casual fans, PJ starts and stops with Eddie V. This isn’t a bad thing, mind you, after all, Eddie is a legend, but the incredible, mind—altering guitar playing of McCready is often overlooked. Let me guess, you’re favorite PJ song is Yellow Ledbetter right? That’s what I thought, now watch this and tell me that McCready just didn’t get you pregnant?


Underrated Drummer: Meg White, The White Stripes

She gets a ton of shit for being the weak link in the greatest band of our generation…The White Stripes. We're not going to disagree with that statement. Jack White is in fact a God amongst us mere mortals. What is over looked however is what a solid drummer Meg has turned out to be. Sure, she's not creating a new way of music like Carter Beauford or moving faster than the speed of light like Tyler Barker, but she hits that drum harder than anyone I've ever seen before. The White Stripes and everything that comes with them; the energy, the sexual tension, the guttural innovation…it's nothing without Meg White. And the whole time she's playing she's trying to balance those massive jugs. Hats off to you, Meg White.


Underrated Rock Concert Video Trick: The set up shot

When they film the entire set up, the crew putting everything together, the crowd starting to filter in, etc, and then play the whole thing in fast forward, don’t you love that? Me too.


Underrated Rock Star Moves: Freddie Mercury, Queen

I honestly could write a whole post about how underrated and ahead of their time Queen was, but I’ll keep it focused on Freddie and his unreal Rock Star Moves. Leg kicks, eyes closed fist pumps, theatrical costumes, asking the crowd to sing with him you name a move and Freddie had it in his arsenal. Watch this video for proof - I mean, he’s like a gay Puma prancing around the stage. And yes, you’re seeing that correctly, that is a cape. Who got more ass (literally) than Freddie Mercury?


Underrated Songwriter: Bruce Springsteen

Okay, okay, The Boss probably doesn’t belong on any underrated list; he’s a living legend and very properly rated in pretty much every category. However, I think the Boss is known more for his band, his live shows and his general swagger and Americana and doesn’t get enough credit for being one of the most brilliant songwriters of all time, belonging in the same category as Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Paul and John and all the rest of the geniuses. The power, creativity and intelligence behind his songs get lost b/c his lyrics are so subtle and simple. Listen to the Rising, a cry for help after 9/11, Nebraska, a testament to family and being brothers, even his latest album Magic, were he discreetly tells W to go fuck himself for a solid hour. He's properly rated everywhere else except here.


Underrated Party Music: Nada Surf

Beats are good enough to serve as background music, lyrics are mellow enough to tune out, songs are good enough to turn up real loud and get real drunk.


Underrated Sex Music: Air

Kinda weird, but soothing and ethereal, maybe it’s just me, but I think sex music needs to be very basic, music that can fit any type of mood. You don’t want to let the music dictate your dick, you can’t rail to Jack Johnson and you can’t get smooth to Radiohead, you need something that could go either way, and I’ve found Air works perfectly.


Underrated Band to Make Fun of Someone for Liking: Counting Crows

Is it just me or does Adam Duritz get gayer by the nanosecond? He’s like the set up shot, fast forward thing I mentioned above except there’s no fast forward. His gayness actually increases at that rate.


Underrated Question to Ask Someone Right When You Meet Them: What was the first concert you ever went to?

This usually sets the standard for the rest of their life. My first concert? Boyz 2 Men, I think that sums it up pretty nicely, doesn’t it?

Thoughts on the Grammys

- by Magglio and Jericho

***(Warning: Gratuitous verbal fellatio about to commence.) Love him or hate him, Kanye West is one of the best performers of our generation. He transcends genres with his style and his stage presence. He’s like a badass rock star the way he commands the stage. Watch any other “rapper” perform live and it’s crap (except for Jay-Z, I guess). But Kanye? He owns that stage; he spits lyrics like he’s possessed and though he reminds us non-stop, he is in fact the best there is. And last night with Daft Punk, the pyramid, those glasses and the lit up violins, this performance will go down in history as one of the best ever.

***Four thoughts on Carrie Underwood:
1) Isn’t she the exact person she’s signing about in her song? Doesn’t she have bleached blond hair and is there any way that her skinny ass could take a shot of whiskey?

2) Carrie Underwood and Riahnna are battling for this year’s “we used to be kinda hot but now are so skinny that we look like 12 yr old boys and not in a good way” award.

3) I’m not sure who I feel worse for: the guy in Carrie’s song, who got totally stalked and terrorized by a pyshco or the spaghetti strap on Aretha Franklin’s right shoulder that got totally swallowed by her ham shoulders.

4) Ladies, once again let’s recap the lesson we can all learn from “before he cheats” – blow him. Just blow him. Blow him when he asks, blow him before he asks, it’s not difficult and it’ll make all the difference in the world. Trust me.

***Was anyone else shocked by how big Tina Turner got? Love may not have anything to do with it, but barbeque sauce sure does.

***Amy Winehouse’s performance was so ironic last night you could almost hear Alanis Morrisette talking about a free ride that she just didn’t take. Watching Winehouse seduce the camera, wriggle around like a crack addict and croon about not going to rehab seemed so textbook part of me had to laugh. But damnit, it worked. First, that bitch can sing. Second, she is in fact cracked out and plays the part accordingly And lastly, what the fuck was Cuba Gooding Jr. doing there? And why was he announced as ‘Cooba’ instead of “Cuba”?

***In an effort to boost ratings, NBC just announced a new team will join the cast of The Biggest Loser, couples. Starting next week, Beyonce and Alicia Keyes will be battling other obese contestants for the right to be called the biggest loser. (to which Jericho replied “lay off the sistas!”)

***Ok, I don’t get it. What is the time frame for when music is eligible? Didn’t Amy Winehouse perform at last year’s show and wasn’t her album from like 2006? I remember this happening when Outkast’s Hey Ya! was up for awards for like 3 years running. I think Norah Jones won 2 years in a row for the same song. I think the music industry just kinda makes it up as they go. I’m so confused.

***Ringo Starr can do whatever he wants. I mean, admittedly he was the least talented Beatle, but the man walks on water. What are you supposed to say to him? He’s a Beatle for fuck’s sake. It’s the equivalent when Jerry Rice enters a Super Bowl party or Michael Jordan shows up at a basketball tournament. These guys are about as big as you can get. It’s too bad Yoko and her dumb hat had to be there.

***As far as Alicia Keys goes, remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry is dating that chick who is hot or ugly depending on the light? We’re convinced Alicia changes gender in certain lights. In the ‘No One’ video she changes sides more times than Anne Heche. (Insert Jay Leno head bob here)

***At 86 years young, Tina Turner looked like she had the face of a 65-year-old. It’s amazing what plastic surgery can do for people isn’t it? I mean what the fuck was she thinking? Sure, she can’t move her face, it looks like she’s half smiling, half wincing and half farting at all times, but at least there were no wrinkles! I don’t get it.

3 Apples & 2 Moustaches

Apple
A recent headline:
George Clooney has offered to act as a mediator between the Writers Guild of America (WGA) union members and Hollywood bosses in a bid to end the strikes.

I mean, is there anything that Clooney can’t do? Did you know that his stubble cures cancer and his pee tastes like friendship?

Moustache
Politics:
Not our normal forte obviously, we specialize in balls, boobs and booze here at A&M, but if you’ll allow me to climb on a tall horse for a second…look, there are three really good Democratic candidates this year, all smart, well-spoken, driven and likable, all three seem to genuinely care and I truly believe that either of them would make a good President. I’ve watched the debates, read the materials from their Web sites and honestly, I can’t tell any of them apart. They all have the same goals, ending the war, improving healthcare, increasing the standing and perception of the US around the world – but they take different roads to get there and bicker constantly about the specifics. I have three thoughts on this:

1) Vote for the candidate that you connect with the most on a personal level; you have to trust that whoever the Dems put forward is going to have a strong agenda, your job is to pick the person that you’ll want to look at and listen to for the next 4 years

2) The general feeling of apathy that has permeated our country the last 5-6 years is fucking staggering. Bush has made us feel hopeless, uninspired, lost, that more than anything needs to change this election

3) Vote. Honestly, vote Republican. Vote for a horse. It doesn’t matter. Our generation votes at historically low levels, let’s change this (p.s. if you vote for a Republican or a horse don’t ever fucking read this page again – my diplomacy only goes so far you red neck fuck)

Apple
Three closing thoughts on the Hawks’ season:

1) I really hope Holmgren stays, there’s such a good foundation, we’re 2-3 players away from being a contender, but more than that, this team is built on his system, if he leaves and we can’t find a West Coast guy to replace him we’ll take a major step back

2) Sign Trufant and let DJ Hackett, Josh Brown and Locklear walk. Cut Marcus Pollard. Try and get Burleson and Alexander to take pay cuts. Hope that Chris Gray retires if not cut him. Sign an OG but not Alan Faneca; he’s too old and too expensive. Give Alexander one more year; if he falters again cut him next winter.

3) We need to use the draft to get a RB, a TE and to start rebuilding the offensive line. If Trufant leaves then DB will also jump to the top of the list. If for some crazy reason Jonathan Stewart, Fred Davis or Jeff Otah were there for us at 25, I’d jump up and down and grab my crotch thunderously.

Moustache
Three quickies on the Golden Globes:

1) Best picture is a two horse race between No Country and Atonement, and it looks like Sweeney Todd will eclipse Juno in the “no, we don’t only nominate stuffy dramas” best pic nom

2) Best actress and best actor seem to be all but decided, Julie Christie and Daniel Day-Lewis look pretty unchallenged at this point

3) The Globes are a very overrated Oscar predictor, pay attention to what the SGA and DGA do, those have much better track records

Apple
The current state of indie bands:
Thank God for The National, Kings of Leon, Band of Horses, Iron & Wine and LCD Soundsystem – in other words, I’d like to officially welcome back beards, booze and beer guts to the indie rock scene. Thank Fucking Christ. The skinny, black jeans, coked-up guyliner shit had to fucking go and let’s hope it stays dead forever, welcome back flannel shirts, boots and Mr. Jack Daniels.

5 things that everyone likes that I secretly hate

1. The Beastie Boys

I realize that hating the Beastie Boys is blatant disregard for my responsibilities as a pale, white male but I can’t help myself. I’ve never understood the draw, if I wanted to hear three skinny white dudes act hard and scream at each other I’d go play a game of basketball at the YMCA. The names kill me too: Mike D, Ad-Rock, MCA and Mix Master Mike yet their real names are Diamond, Yauch, Horovitz and Schwartz. Maybe if they were named the Bar Mitzvah Boys or the Roshashana Rambos they’d be cooler. Actually no, untalented, skinny white kids screaming will always be untalented, skinny white kids screaming

2. The Wizard of Oz

It baffles me how people can watch this movie all the way through without wanting to hurt someone afterwards. Forget about the lollypop gang, the flying monkeys, Toto, the scarecrow, the tin man, the witch and all the other annoying as fuck characters. The Lion! Holy shit the lion. The lion is the Jar Jar Binks of his generation, he ruins every scene he’s in, in fact he even ruins scenes he’s not in b/c 1) you’re pissed he was just on screen and 2) are pissed b/c you know he’s about to come back. Man, I hate this movie.

(Side note: did you know this is George Bush’s favorite movie? What the fuck? Can’t you just imagine him squealing with delight at the lollypop gang and repeatedly misquoting lines like, “Toto, Kansas is not where we are currently.” Shouldn’t favorite movies, books, TV shows, 90210 characters, Beatles songs and white wide receivers weigh more heavily into presidential debates? They all say the same fucking thing about everything anyway, if we did the debates over again and the moderator asked what their favorite movie was and Kerry said something cool like Full Metal Jacket and Bush said Wizard of Oz with a dumb little smile on his face, would the election still have had the same result?)

3. Moby Dick

Hey, I like long, overblown, melodramatic “classics” as much as they next guy, and this is definitely my favorite American novel that sounds like a venereal disease, but give me a break with this one. The premise is great, the action is awesome, but you know what kills this book? 975 pages about whaling techniques in the 1800s. Who gives a fuck? I don’t care about whale innards, rowing patterns, wind temperaments, just kill the fucking thing!

4. Whistling

Some people love doing this, I just don’t think it’s that cool.

5. Lost, Entourage, Alias, The Wire, Prison Break, Heroes, CSI, Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother

I’ve never actually seen a minute of any of those shows but already know I fucking hate every single one of them.