10 things I’d like to be when I grow up…

As I sit at my desk today, my back and my eyes a little sore from being hunched over a keyboard for so long, I can’t help but wonder what else I’d rather be doing. So I started a list. A list of the 10 things I’d like to be when I grow up…

1. David Beckham – no explanation needed.

2. Portis - the guy who walks by my office window at least 5 times a day. This man is definitely “working the system”. He must be paid hourly. We call him Portis. Why? Well, you see, Portis is about 450lbs and he looks like he wants to hurt people. But deep down I’m sure he’s got a good heart. He doesn’t do much. Sometimes he’s carrying a box. Sometimes he’s pushing a cart. Sometimes, he’s just walking. It’s really a fantastic sight to witness. Portis is definitely living the life.

3. A firetruck – Yes! Great one! (self-congrats) Shiny, red, loud and with flashing lights. People instantly notice you and move out of your way whenever you want them to. Kinda like Lindsay Lohan. But way tougher.

4. Hiro Nakamura – Not only does he have good moral values and his cuddly demeanor wins the hearts of millions… but his name is the same as the title of his show. How crazy is that? Were we not supposed to notice? It’s like if Brandon Walsh happened to be named Brandon 90210. Or Tony Danza’s first name was Whosthe. Did the writers plan this so if he says (in an endearing Japanese accent) “But I want to be a Hero,” they have the option for a character to say, “but you are a Hero, Hiro.” Oh man, could you imagine?

Side note: Loyal reader, the above situation failed miserably. A&M would like to apologize for this pitiful attempt and would kindly request you continue reading. Thank you. –Management

5. An iPhone – Wow. How cool would it be if I was an iPhone? With a tickle of my buttons I’d provide anyone with a wealth of information. I’d be really slim, totally popular and I’d fit in your pocket. Outstanding. A mass produced pocket sized Magglio. Imagine how much better your day would be if I could be with you all- day-long. At your disposal. Ready to play your favorite tune or put you in touch with a friend. This idea is huge. Let’s see if we can patent this one.

6. A packet of soy sauce – think about it. It’s indestructible, it never goes bad and it brings a kick to your lunch every time. That would be cool.

7. Curt Shilling – Let me start by saying that I can’t stand Curt Shilling. However, he’s a got a pretty good thing going. Shilling is old, overweight and incredibly rich. He doesn’t work very hard – starting pitchers only pitch every 5 days. And he just signed a massive $8 million contract. Plus a guy named Buster Olney is always hanging on your every last word. That in itself could be worth having such a dumb face.

Side note: Substituting Roger Clemens in the above situation would be perfectly acceptable as well.

8. The angry little Pekinese who walks down my street every morning. Picture this situation. You wake up in your owner’s store, a zen-like liquor store/drug-front hybrid. Every morning at the same time the ritual begins. You are led down the street for your morning walk. Everyone stares at you and comments on how cute and fluffy you are. Neither you nor your sketchy owner cares. Why would you? You hear these sorts of things every day. About 2 blocks into your walk you arrive at your favorite tree shrub. You take a few sniffs, lift your leg and welcome in the morning. Your walk continues, someone tries to pet you, you growl, “don’t pet me bitch, I’m adorable.” You continue your leash free walk, sniffing, grunting, and waiting for treats. Now tell me, is this little man living the life or what? Come to think of it, I’m not sure I want to be him when I grow up per-se, but I thought he needed a shout-out on my blog. Moving on…

9. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Probably Michelangelo. I’ve always wanted nunchucks.

10. The starting first baseman for the 2008 San Francisco Giants. Why is that? Because we’re about to sign Alex Rodriquez, Barry Zito will snap back to form and Cain and Lincecum are going to do what they do best. Dominate. Fuck yeah. I want a World Series ring when I grow up.

Today is Halloween

If you hadn’t noticed from the overzealous chick in HR with the blinking orange earrings or the gay cowboy in the finance department, today is Halloween. To me, seeing adults dress up at work is one of the best and most uncomfortable moments of the year. It is the definition of RTs. This isn’t a parent walking a child around the block trick-or-treating or a grandparent wearing a mask while they hand out candy…these are grown-ups surrounded by other grown-ups thinking it’s socially acceptable to wear cat ears, a skeleton pendant and a knitted sweater which depicts a bear in costume, trick or treating with other bears in costumes. (Apologies to my mother who undoubtedly is wearing this exact outfit today at work.)

Today I have witnessed a woman dressed as a pirate, a man dressed as Sasquatch and a slutty nurse. (Please note we don’t yet have confirmation if the slutty nurse was in costume or if she was simply in transit to her actual profession…stripping or an actual real life slutty nurse. That said, perhaps there is a real life pirate walking the streets of San Francisco and it’s just a coincidence that today happens to be October 31^st. We’ll have to investigate further.)

We want to hear from you. What costumes are your coworkers wearing? What are the most uncomfortable office moments today at your job? Is there a mandatory apple bobbing contest? Is there a scary food competition? This is too ripe of a situation to just let pass by.

Things Your Boss Should Also Say After Offering You a 5k Raise After 16 Months of Killing Yourself

- We’re prepared to offer you a 5k raise…We also think your mother’s a whore

- What? You’re upset about 5k? That’s over $300 more a month after taxes. You could buy a brand new PlayStation II every month and who doesn’t like PlayStation II? P.S. We don’t think you’re worth PlayStation III.

- We value the contributions you’ve made to our company. And by “value” we mean “don't value.”

- I understand why you’re upset, do you remember the scene in Wall Street when Michael Douglas says, “greed is good?” That actually has nothing to do with this situation, but isn’t Michael Douglas creepy?

- You’ve been working extremely, extremely hard. If you’d been working extremely, extremely, extremely, super-duper hard you still wouldn’t get the raise you deserve, but you’d probably feel a little bit better wouldn’t you?

- We expect you to work like communists, bring in new business like capitalists and get paid like Buddhists. After all, didn’t Buddha say that the true value of hard work is what you put in not what you take out?

- Things like performance, hard work, dedication, growth are so five minutes ago. As in, we know that we praised your performance, hard work, dedication and growth five minutes ago, but OH MY GOD LOOK! Hmm…weird, could’ve swore I saw something, not what were we talking about again?

- Can I offer you an altoid? I just rammed my dick so far up your ass it came out of your mouth and I wouldn’t want you to go back to your desk with dick breath. That would be very unprofessional.