Come fly the NORMAL skies

*The following is a paid advertisement by one of our partners. Apples and Moustaches does not endorse, support or condone any of the language, promises or guidelines in the below.

When you travel on a plane, is it just you and 200 other assholes? As you’re waiting to board do you realize that there isn’t one person within a 500 mile radius that you would ever consider seeing socially? During the flight, are you sitting in your tiny seat just wishing that you could be around normal people? Screaming babies. BO that is an insult to the term BO. The overly friendly chubby bitch that never shuts the fuck up. Is this your personal hell or your last airline experience? Are they one in the same all too often?

Well my friends, all of your problems are solved. It is with great pleasure that we announce the launch and immediate availably of NORMAL AIRLINES!

That’s right, normal people, an airline that clearly and openly discriminates against the stupid, the smelly, the obnoxious and the grossly obese. Sure, you’ve purchased an airline ticket by price, flight times or the quality of the airline, but with NORMAL AIR you’ll be entering a whole new world of air travel, where you can actually book a flight based purely on the quality of people you’ll be sitting next to.

By filling out a simple 20 question survey and having a quick, 10 minute screening call with one of our highly trained and very normal ADs (Asshole Detectors), you’ll be all clear to start flying the NORMAL skies.

Do you have small children? You’re better off with Alaska, ma’am. Do you keep talking to the person next to you even though they’ve only given monosyllabic answers and are openly contemplating suicide? We recommend Southwest for you, sonny Jim. Are you so disgustingly huge that you have to be driven from security to your gate in one of those fat person golf carts? Well, then you sound like Delta material.

Now remember, if you are a bit too chatty, can be a little catty or become a fatty, your membership will be revoked permanently. We hope that never happens though and so should you…

NORMAL AIRLINES: it’s for you, you, you and you. But not you, you fat fuck.

Chickens vs. Macchiatos: A Friendly Wager

A candid conversation between Jericho and Magglio...

Jericho: Let’s talk Fantasy Football running backs

Magglio: Ok, what’s on your mind?

Jericho: I like Shaun Alexander and fast Willie Parker

Jericho: I don't want Larry Johnson

Jericho: Steven Jackson, Brian Westbrook and Frank Gore make me nervous

Jericho: So does Joseph Addai

Magglio: I don’t like Alexander

Magglio: at all

Jericho: you can get him at 4, 5 or 6

Jericho: and that's a great pick

Jericho: member how hard he ran against CHI?

Magglio: I guess. He's kinda a pussy. And now he's filthy rich. What does he have to prove? He's not a team player. I dont think he wants it bad enough at all.

Jericho: Ladanian Tomlinson broke his record while Alexander sat and watched, you don't think that motivates him?

Jericho: Who cares about team players, this is fantasy buddy

Jericho: Alexander’s injury was freaky last year

Jericho: He's never had injuries to legs or shoulders

Magglio: Alexander doesn’t care about records, wins, team

Magglio: at all

Magglio: I see ZERO desire in Alexander’s eyes

Magglio: He's just a really talented football player who now makes a TON of money.

Jericho: He was making that same money when he played against CHI last year

Jericho: You’re telling me he didn't want it then?

Jericho: 1600 yards and 18 TDs

Jericho: in the books this season

Magglio: I think he goes through the motions

Magglio: I really do

Jericho: Want to bet?

Magglio: You know what Alexander is doing right now?

Jericho: Sit ups.

Magglio: Right.

Magglio: And then looking at his abs in his mirror. And then getting a non-fat caramel macchiato and flirting with the coffee girl.

Magglio: You know what frank gore is doing right now?

Jericho: Resting his hand.

Magglio: He just fisted a chicken until he reached its brain…to heal the hand

Magglio: That my friend, is the difference between a player who wants it and one who is simply going through the motions.

Jericho: I'll bet you $1000 that Alexander has 1500 yards and 15 TDs this year

Magglio: Double it. He may hit 1500, but no way on the 15

Jericho: $2000 on 1500 and 15

Magglio: Done

Jericho: Easy Money

Box Office Results: 7/27/07

1.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $55 million
Actual: $74 million

This was a tough one to call as there really is no precedent for it. In retrospect, 55 was probably a bit low, but I don’t think anyone could have predicted an opening this huge. I’d also like to add that anyone who writes something like, “Simpsons Movie Makes a lot of D’oh!” should burst into flames the minute the period is added at the end of sentence.

2.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $19 million
Actual: $19 million

People love Sandler.

3.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $18 million
Actual: $18 million

Gotcha.

4.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $15 million
Actual: $16 million

Have I mentioned how much I hate this movie?

5.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $12 million
Prediction: 12 million

Very good chance that Transformers will outperform Harry, Captain Jack and Shrek when all is said and done taking the #2 spot for the summer behind Spidey – no one saw that coming (there’s probably a good Transformers joke here but I’ve been drinking wine for four days straight and can barely type).

6.
Movie: No Reservations
Prediction: $10.5 million
Actual: $12 million

Easily the most whimsical movie of the year and perhaps of all time.

7.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $6.5 million
Actual: $7 million

105.
Movie: I Know Who Killed Me
Prediction: “I’m totally innocent! They weren’t even my pants!”
Actual: Wait, so famous girls can commandeer vehicles now?

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

Five Apples and Moustaches on a Friday

Apple:
Count me in on the David Beckham hype. I’m all-in, in fact. Give me his fashion statements, his celebrity friends, his incomprehensible bank account, his freaky/hot wife, and ultimately his ability to wake a sleeping giant in this country…soccer. Five years ago when the US finished 8th in the World Cup I made the proclamation that the US would win the World Cup in my lifetime. I still stand by that call. Can you imagine the day we win? The rest of the world will go silent and a few hipsters in the Mission will be partying like it’s the second coming. Beckham will bring attention to soccer in this country. Sure, meatheads will still dismiss the sport because it’s slow, there are no commercials and a thrilling game could end in 1-0. But we can’t be the only country who doesn’t “get it”…can we?

Moustache:
Wrinkle is a great word isn’t it? And you almost have to apologize after using it…if used correctly of course.

Example:
“How did the meeting go?”
“It went well. Just one small wrinkle…actually, a big wrinkle.”
“I got a big wrinkle.”

Or

“Should we put on some Moby?”
“No dude, Moby is such a wrinkle.”

Apple:
I rank the current sports scandals, from order of most fucked to least fucked, as follows:

NBA – Referee Game Fixing
This is huge. This dumb fuck messed with the outcome of potentially hundreds of games including big playoff games. As my friend Brett said to me, they (game fixers) will never get to the players, so ultimately the NBA will recover. But to think that the past 2 years (or more!) have been tampered with by a referee is an unsettling thing. YouTube has some crazy compilations of bad calls this guy made.

MLB – Steroids
This isn’t that big of a deal in my opinion. The entire era (past 7-10 years?) will be recognized as the ‘steroid’ era, but conceivably everyone is in on it. Recognizably, the argument of “everyone else is doing it” isn’t always the best one, but it’s relevant in this situation. How many juiced pitchers have thrown to juiced batters who have been robbed by juiced outfielders? And looking back, who hasn’t used stimulates or drugs to get ahead in baseball? It’s been well documented that amphetamines ran rampant in locker rooms during the 60s and 70s. And if I have to, I’ll always go back to the argument that you still have to hit the baseball. I don’t care how many human growth hormones are pumping through your veins; a 97mph fastball is still a 97mph fastball.

NFL – Criminals
So what? So there are a few bad apples in the bunch. Ok, a lot of bad apples in the bunch. But this doesn’t affect the product on the field. Hell, it may even enhance it. Now, I’m not condoning the cowardly acts of Michael Vick or Pacman Jones, but in terms of the NFL…who cares? The Niners will still play on Sunday, devoid of cheating referees and chemically enhanced performances. Throw out the bad guys and move on. Maybe they could play in Mark Cuban’s new league.

Moustache:
Today’s word of the day is SYCOPHANT (SIGH-ko-phant). Definition: a flattering parasite.

Cool! I want a flattering parasite. Is that like when Britney Spears invites her ugly cousin along for the paparazzi ride to make herself look better? Or is that like when Tara Reid has one of her handlers continue to tell her that everything is ok? I guess we need to look into the origin of the word. Is it Latin? French?

Apple:
My favorite store near my office is called ‘Wok Express’. Don’t let the sign fool you, this really is an emporium of delights. The sign out front states it clearly:

*Chinese Food
*Cold Drinks
*Espresso Drinks
*Pastries, Sandwiches, Pizza
*Lottery Tickets
*Cigarettes
*Snacks, Candy, Gum
*And more…

And more? What the fuck else is there? This place is easily the sketchiest place in a 2 block radius. That’s saying a lot in San Francisco. There is no visible kitchen and somehow they constantly have hot fresh food. Casey has a theory that it all runs from a central repository in the heart of Chinatown. Think about it, one place makes massive amounts of Chow Mein and then uses an extensive underground piping system to distribute it to “restaurants” around the city. This could be an entire blog post in itself. Sketchy Chinese restaurants in San Francisco. Tasty.

Box Office Prediction: 7/27/07

1.
Movie: The Simpsons Movie
Prediction: $55 million

2.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $19 million

3.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $18 million

4.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $15 million

5.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $12 million

6.
Movie: No Reservations
Prediction: $10.5 million

7.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $6.5 million

105.
Movie: I Know Who Killed Me
Prediction: “I’m totally innocent! They weren’t even my pants!”

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

No Reservations: I’ve Got Tons of Reservations

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Box Office Results: 7/20/07

1.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $35 million
Actual: $34 million

Was right about this one but needed to toggle the order a bit; although I do think that this can be more attributed to Harry’s drop then Sandler’s appeal. Harry dropped almost 60% from last weekend, obviously a major slip but not unexpected with a Wednesday opening. Still, I thought Harry would drop about 50-55% and win the weekend. Definitely have to give Sandler his props though; this is his 8th movie to open with 30+ million, that’s amazing.

2.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $37 million
Actual: $32.5 million

3.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $16 million
Actual: $27 million

Other sites will explain this opening with terms like “cross programming,” “avant-garde appeal,” “nostalgic fun,” and “female demographic pull.” At this site you’ll get terms like “shocked,” “stunned,” “bamboozled,” and “double horse fuck this piece of horse shit movie.”

4.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $21 million
Actual: $20 million

Mmm…that sounds good, I’ll have that.

5.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $13 million
Actual: $11 million

Sure.

6.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $7.5 million

A little over, but close enough.

7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $3.5 million

Whatever.

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

A Fat and Happy Weekend

Yes. This weekend is my bachelor party. I’m about as excited as Marge Schott when she used to leave a few extra kibbles n’ bits in her front pocket. I’m about as excited as Rashard Lewis when he realized he’s being paid in a 2007 market and not a 1987 one. I’m about as excited as the fat guy on Lost. (I’ve actually never seen Lost, but I imagine he’s happy with his life. He’s grossly obese and on a hit show as the big fat guy. Lose weight? Can’t do it. It’s his ‘character’. Fat and happy. Reminds me of our family Pug Oliver. Man, that dog was fat. We just kept reasoning, if we have to constantly monitor what we eat/exercise/etc, why would we make the dog do the same. Let him be fat and happy. Oliver died of Kidney failure at the early age of 5.)

Ten predictions for my bachelor party weekend:

1. Moody will be lost for over 4 hours where nobody knows where he is or what he’s been up to. He’ll give ambiguous answers like ‘being tough’ or ‘worry about it’ when asked what he was up to.

2. My little brother will get properly drunk. (he’s a week away from his 21st birthday)

3. Casey will be the most hung over on multiple mornings. (this is an easy one. Bet whatever you have on this one)

4. I will talk tough about ‘man’ing the barbecue but will wind up relinquishing my duties to Warren who, though difficult to admit it, is a far superior BBQ’r than I.

5. Devin will get surly and start talking. He doesn’t talk much, unless he’s drinking, then you can’t shut him up.

6. Josh will be Josh. A prediction that only makes sense to people who actually know Josh. God Bless Josh.

7. I will strike out 10+ batters in our wiffle ball game.

8. I will call Kate more than 5 times.

9. And though I will try my best, I will completely blow my ‘I got a tuxedo to squeeze into’ diet.

10. By Monday I will be glad it’s over and not talking to at least 3 of my friends.

Damn it I’m fired up.

Box Office Prediction: 7/20/07

1.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $37 million

2.
Movie: Chuck and Larry
Prediction: $35 million

3.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $21 million

4.
Movie: Hairspray
Prediction: $16 million

5.
Ratatouille
Prediction: $13 million

6.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $7.5 million

7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

There’s Lots of Reasons Not to See Hairspray. Here’s One More.

I’ll admit from the start that I’m completely, unabashedly biased when it comes to modern musicals: I absolutely fucking hate them. Annoying, deliberate, over-produced, cheesy, boring; I think the best way to describe the difference between old school musicals (Singin’ In the Rain, The Sound of Music) and new age, modern musicals (Chicago) is that in the old school ones the characters broke out into song because they had to, there was no way to sum up their feelings or explain the situation with words. I realize that sounds cheesy, but it’s 100% true. In modern musicals the songs are big, showy, expensive sequences that exist just to exist not to advance the plot, almost like a special effect. There’s a deliberateness that completely kills the magic, kind of like having a standing, weekly blowjob with your wife. “It’s 10, honey, better spit your gum out.”

Back to Hairspray, if the above wasn’t enough, here’s another valid reason to skip: John Travolta. More specifically, Travolta is playing the Edna Turnblad role made famous by Divine. More specifically still, John Travolta, an outspoken scientologist, a religion that completely shuns homosexuals and disrespects their rights, is playing the role originated by Divine, a famous transvestite performer and hero in the gay community.

What the fuck? Why doesn’t this bother anyone? Why isn’t the gay and lesbian community absolutely outraged by this? How is this okay? If a scientologist can play a transvestite can an anti-Semite play a holocaust survivor? Can a pedophile play a catholic priest (kidding), or a misogynist play a good husband? Shouldn’t there be a common sense screening process for something like this? I mean, Mel Gibson probably shouldn’t play Moses. Michael Jackson probably shouldn’t play the Michael Caine part if they remake The Cider House Rules. John Rocker probably shouldn’t play Bobby Kennedy. But it’s OK for a scientologist to play a transvestite? I just don’t get that.

I realize this could be a gay rights column or a critique of the movie business column or a philosophical column that argues whether or not you can ever really separate the artist from their art, but frankly I’m not smart enough to write either one. But I do know that I fucking hate modern musicals, I’m pissed that no one else is pissed about Travolta being in Divine’s role and I think that if you’re going to bastardize a classic by remaking it you should consider how much worse the bastardizing will be when you cast someone whose beliefs conflict with everything the original role represented. I am now off the Budweiser Hot Seat. Thanks.

Box Office Results: 7/13/07

1.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $85 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)
Actual: $77 million

With numbers this big, I think overestimating by 7 counts as a win. Will be interesting to see how much this drops next weekend; this was first Potter movie to open on a Wednesday which led to the biggest opening 5 day run of the franchise so far. Look for a really steep drop, 55% or so next weekend.

2.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $38 million
Actual: $36 million

Yes please.

3.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $18 million
Actual: $18 million

Oooh that feels good.

4.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million
Actual: $10 million

I’m doffing my hat to the crowd like a golfer on 18 right now.

5.
Captivity
Prediction: $8 million
Actual: $1.5 million

Yikes. I hate horror movies. I hate them for a myriad of reasons, but the main reason today is because they are so difficult to predict at the BO. Underestimating this by $10 wouldn’t have surprised me at all so overestimating by $6.5 isn’t that much of shock either. Oh well.

6.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $5 million
Actual: $5 million

Thank you.

7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million
Actual: $7.5 million

Wow, this movie has much better staying power than I thought. I guess being the only romantic comedy out has its perks, although since the consensus of reviews went like this, “would rather be raped by elephant” I thought this would fade a bit quicker.

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jericho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

Box Office Prediction: 7/13/07

1.
Movie: Harry Potter 5
Prediction: $85 million (does not include weekday returns, just the weekend)

2.
Movie: Transformers
Prediction: $38 million

3.
Movie: Ratatouille
Prediction: $18 million

4.
Movie: Die Hard 4
Prediction: $9 million

5.
Captivity
Prediction: $8 million

6.
Movie: Evan Almighty
Prediction: $5 million

7.
Movie: License to Wed
Prediction: $4.5 million

*Every Friday and Monday Apples and Moustaches predicts and publishes box office returns. Jerricho Royall bases all of his predictions on his lifelong fascination with bad movies and stupid people and how the combination of the two directly affects the weekly box office. Apples and Moustaches Box Office Report, (aka AMBOR): Because it’s pretty incredible how much the bottom line is affected by people who can’t spell the bottom line.

The RTs

Today we will define a key term. It’s called the RTs and it will soon become a large part of your everyday vernacular. The RTs stand for ‘Retarded Tingles’. Now, while not politically correct, the term is a perfect descriptor of a well known emotional response. The RTs are what happens when something or someone is so uncomfortable or awkward that there is a physical reaction when witnessing the event…a tingle of sorts. Let us try to describe with examples.

Generally speaking, whenever anyone breaks into song outside of a “song singing” context…it’s the RTs. When someone enters into a conversation by making a joke that derails everything…it’s the RTs. Forced high-fives? Yep, the RTs. A lot of role playing, dance moves, over actors, cheeseballs, nicknames, inside jokes, etc…evoke the RTs.

The scene in Almost Famous when Kate Hudson enters the room and launches into a monologue which takes the form of an airline flight attendant. The way everyone in the room stops what they’re doing to listen to her, the glee in their faces as she perfectly recites instructions, the fact that the analogy goes on way too long and eventually someone would’ve yelled ‘shut the fuck up already, you’re killing my buzz’…that is the RTs.

The final scene in A League of Their Own (what? I’m not ashamed to admit it) where the ladies all regroup at the Hall of Fame and casually break into song. “We are the ladies of, the all American league…” I got the RTs just from writing that sentence. Most of ‘Remember the Titans’ is RTs…I guess anytime people break into a song or dance routine and everyone knows the steps/words already, it’s the RTs. Every episode of Saved by the Bell was littered with RTs.

I use movie and TV examples because they’re easy for all of you to relate to. But the RTs occur each and everyday right in your own backyard. Soon, you’ll find the term RTs impossible to part with.

The 5 worst ideas from EAT IT

Apples and Moustaches reporter Jericho Royall recently attended the Entrepreneurs Attending Today will Invigorate Tomorrow conference, aka EAT IT, with the hopes of publishing (okay we admit it, partnering with or stealing) some of the best ideas and brightest minds in this space. However, after a few minutes on the floor and the sheer number of awful, awful ideas, Jericho’s mindset changed and this column took on a new life of its own. What follows are the 5 weirdest, most offensive and just plain dumb ideas presented at this year’s EAT IT.

1.
The pitch: A vintage clothing store with pictures and bios of all the previous owners attached to each item.
Jericho’s take: I love vintage clothes as much as the next guy, the key word being “vintage” and not “used.” The key to buying vintage clothes is immediately washing them and hanging them in the closet for a few days before wearing them; that way they look and smell like you and you forget all about the whole “used” thing. When you’re trying on a small, denim, button-up cowboy shirt, with bright red wagons on the back and two lassos over each nipple, the last thing you want to know is who owned and it and what they did while wearing it. I’ve got enough problems.

2.
The pitch: ‘The Baby-sitter’s Club’ books re-imagined and re-written to focus on a group of pedophiles called the ‘The Baby-Splitter’s Club.’
Jericho’s take: By far the creepiest booth of the day, the Splitters set up their entire booth to resemble the back of an ice cream truck. Very surreal. Good Otter Pops though.

3.
The pitch: A casting agency that specifically finds roles for old women to swear in Adam Sandler movies called ‘We’re Fucking Old.’
Jericho’s take: You know how in every Adam Sandler movie there’s a scene where an old woman says a swear word? Along with the kick in the nuts this might be Sandler’s must trusted comedic trick. Well, these folks are trying to capitalize on that by forming a business around placing old women in these roles. The technology is pretty interesting, you grandma or whomever, can actually screen test right over the phone. Seems more like a contest than a business, but who knows? People do love Sandler.

4.
The pitch: A company that combines your favorite historical moment with your most erotic fantasies. You choose your favorite moment and they will re-imagine and re-enact the entire thing as a sexual situation. Couples, singles and swingers are all welcome.
Jericho’s take: Very interesting, but very complex and crazy, crazy expensive. You complete an online profile that details everything from your sexual likes and dislikes to your favorite and least favorite president. They create your sexual scenario or “SexNario” as they have trademarked it, and cast the different roles with actors, people you know, or a combination of both depending on the complexity of the SexNario. I think this is a great idea, but at $20k a pop is really only feasible to a select few. Also, I know they are still in the early stages and all, but there are a few things that are just inexcusable, I mean, why did Helen Keller keep looking back at me, wasn’t she blind? They’ve got too many kinks like that to get my endorsement.

5.
The pitch: The anti-Viagra, a cooling system that was designed to quickly get rid of embarrassing or untimely erections, which they are referring to as “Erectile Exuberance.”
Jericho’s take: Where was this when I was eleven? Here’s the scoop, you wear specially lined underwear that has a cooling system built into the lower bottom. The cooling system connects wirelessly to a watch, so if you ever feel an “iffy stiffy” coming on, you can tap the watch face three times and a blast of cold air will be sent at your testicles. The watch monitors your blood pressure and as soon as levels have returned to normal, or in their words, “the rock is out of your cock,” the cooling system will shut down and go back into hibernation mode. A pretty clever idea, but what’s the demographic for this? And why can't I get this in boxer briefs?