by Magglio, Jericho & Caity (yes, Caity)
Apple
My little brother just got a job. He starts next week. It’s going to be a pretty big wake up call for him, literally. We were talking and he was saying that he needs to start acting more like an adult meaning he can’t sleep till 1pm, eat cold pizza for weeks on end, go to bed at 4am just for fun. I told him that while fundamentally some of the logistical things need to change he can still be a kid. I know I don’t feel like an adult. Sure, I have a job, a wife and a dog…but I still piss in public and enjoy throwing ice cubes at people when I get drunk.
Moustache
My thoughts on the No Doubt concert: People shouldn't bring their elementary school aged children to the general admission section of a 90s reunion concert. And if they do, they certainly shouldn't feign shock and disbelief when an individual who may or may not have started drinking Kettle One at noon screams, "Adrian Young, I'll have your abortion!"
Apple
By far my favorite part of the NBA Finals was Kobe holding up four fingers (aka four rings) during the trophy presentation even though he’d been talking about the “team” and brushing off questions about his legacy all week. This would be like having two hours of foreplay, really working all the angles, and then right when it’s go time hopping off and heading into the bathroom to pull one off to a 6yr old Club. (The only difference being that at the trophy presentation, aka when you come out of the bathroom, you definitely hold up the whole palm, not just four fingers. “Do you really need the thumb?” our 4 female readers are asking right now. Yes, yes you do. That’s for aiming.)
Moustache
I like to state the following for the record: docksiders and a pink Lacoste shirt with the collar popped are not appropriate evening wear post-college graduation. When you're playing bocce ball on the front lawn of your frat house, the look has a certain affected "I know that you know that I have a trust fund" look to it, and there was a time in my life when, lacking a trust fund myself, I was interested in acquiring one and appreciated the social indicators. However, this is not the look if you’re 30, holding a bright orange slushy drink called “The Panty Dropper” and at a bar in Midtown Atlanta. You look like an asshole.
Apple
You wouldn’t believe how many salespeople pitch an idea to me that in some way or another ends with ‘pizza party’ as the main hook for incentivizing employees. I mean, are we 12 years old? Do people still get all jacked up to succeed if the ultimate goal is a pizza party? What’s next? Electing a public official when he promises McDonald’s for lunch everyday?
Moustache
Fuck Jonathan Adler. If you need a super overpriced frame, lamp shade, or pillow then go to Jonathan Adler. If you want to look like a complete yuppie doosh bag then buy stuff from Jonathan Adler. If you want to get the train run on you by a bunch of tree-hugging hippy fuckers then shop at Jonathan Adler. Thank you.
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