A Few NFL Thoughts

So, if you’re scoring at home, the #37 pick in the draft will get you McNabb (5 NFC conference games, borderline HOFer); the #43 pick will get you Brandon Marshall (better numbers through first four years than Rice; not comparing, just saying); and the #40 pick will get you Charlie Whitehurst (Stats through four years: 0, 0, 0.0, 0, 0.0 0, 0, 0, 0.0, 1). By the way, the one in Chuck’s stat column is for one douche bag fucking face. We’re not sure if he has arms or legs, but we know he has that.


Speaking of trading quarterbacks, here’s a guy I’m surprised no one has made a move for: Troy Smith. Heisman winner, only 25, played pretty well in the preseason and in mop up duty (in 14 games: 48/89 for 558yd, 3td and 1 pick), showered near Ray Lewis his whole career, knows how to win, and the Ravens only tendered him at the 5th rd level. Troy Smith isn’t worth a 5th rd pick?


Here’s another swap that makes sense: Skins send Jason Campbell to the Bills for Marshawn Lynch. Both former first rounders, both fill an area of need for the other team, both would come fairly cheaply because their teams are dying to get rid of them. I know you’re looking at that and saying that Campbell sucks and the Bills are getting robbed exchanging a 23yr old with two 1,000-yard seasons under his belt for a QB with a Buffalo-sized vagina. Here’s a secret: it’s not Buffalo-sized, it’s actually more like a Japanese Apple pear. In other words, Campbell is a vagina but he’s not nearly as big of a vagina as everyone thinks he is. He threw for 3,600 with 20 and 15 last year. You’re telling me Buffalo has a QB on their roster that can match that next year?


Magglio will kill me for this, I mentioned something similar at a bar six months ago and he’s never let me forget it: out of all the QBs in the draft, Colt McCoy will have the best career. He’s a winner, accurate with the ball, a leader from the minute he stepped on campus, competitive, driven, doesn’t make stupid mistakes, if he ends up in the right system (which should be added to the evaluation of every QB) he could have a Brees-like career. Yes, he’s got a dumb face and yes he’s got a dumb little drawl, but if I’m the Rams, I take one of the big DLs #1, then trade back up into the bottom of rd 1 for Colt.


I have no idea what to make of the Big Ben suspension. On one hand, it’s crazy that he was not convicted or even charged with a crime, yet is being punished by his employer as if he was. Something about that just doesn’t sit right, the idea that your company can have its own set of laws that supersede the government’s. On the other, he definitely raped her, no fucking doubt about it, and he should be punished in some way or another. Six games, about $3 million in salary and the respect of a city that revered him as little as 15 months ago, whether or not you think that's a fitting punishment, is it up to the NFL to dole it out? I really have no idea what to think.


I imagine most of you agree so let me state the obvious: with all due respect to 30 for 30, PTI and Erin Andrews' career, the Gruden QB Camp is the best thing ESPN has done in a long, long time. What a fucking epic hour of TV. I’ve watched it three times and it gets better every time. Magglio and I had a running joke last year that during the third quarter of every MNF game, Gruden would start openly auditioning for the losing team’s coaching job. “If you’re the Cowboys, you have to start thinking about getting Romo a teacher, someone who understands the challenges of the quarterback position.” However, after watching the QB Camp, I realized he’s not auditioning at all, that’s just the way he talks. He doesn’t ask a question to hear the answer, he asks a question to set up his next point. Anyone who ever played football can relate to this on some level. Football coaches just have their own way of talking, their own inflection. Like they’re an annoyed stepfather and we’re their idiot stepchildren. I think we need to go further with Gruden, fuck giving him his own show, give him his own network. We need a Truman Show-like around the clock look at this life.

Gruden: How’s the seafood? It pretty good?
Waiter: Yes, sir. We’re known for it.
Gruden: I don’t want good, you understand me? I want great.
Waiter: Yes sir, it’s great.
Gruden: I have very high expectations. Do you have high expectations?
Waiter: About your order?
Gruden: (pointing at menu) What does this say?
Waiter: Grilled salmon?
Gruden: Do you know what that means?
Waiter: Um…that the salmon is…grilled.
Gruden: People see that on a menu and they think different things. They expect different things, do you understand me?
Waiter: I don’t really know…
Gruden: It better be good, man. Because I’ll find you. You understand? You think I’m riding you, but I see it in your eyes, waiter, I think you can bring me great food. Not good, great. You understand?
Waiter: Wait, are you ordering the salmon?
Gruden: No. I don’t eat food. I photosynthesize like plants.


What do I want the Hawks to do tonight? More than anything, I just hope they don’t get cute. Draft for need, don’t take someone because you can’t believe he’s still there – take the best OT at #6. Take the best DE or S at #14. Don’t trade away the #40 pick in a loaded draft for a QB that hasn’t thrown a professional pass and looks like Duece Bigalow’s gay older brother.


And finally, as the draft enters a new era with this Thursday, Friday, Saturday goat fuck of a schedule, I’d like to thank Roger Goodell one last time for taking a gigantic dump on the West Coast. Thanks, Rog, you fucked up a national holiday. I’m totally raping you in my head right now, how many games do I get for that?

JR

Thursday Thoughts

Apple
Congress is a bit like the NFL in the sense that once something is proven to work, everyone has to try it at least once. For example, congressmen screaming at high paid executives about their bonuses are completely analogous to football teams trying the wildcat formation: It’s worked; the crowds love it; so why not give it a shot? Barney Frank is definitely the “Ronnie Brown scoring 4tds against NE” of congress right now.

Moustache
I am literally waiting with baited breath to see what Jay Z and Kanye do to Chris Brown. Honestly, I haven’t been this excited for a fight since the finals of the All Valley Karate Tournament. You know how there’s that scene in every cop movie where they have the key witness in a hotel room, and everyone is freaked out and checking all his food and shit? Isn’t that exactly how you picture CB right now? The question: which witness is he? Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2? The weird looking bald guy from Traffic? Or Jet Li in the straight to DVD movie co-starring DMX and Marlon Wayans: “Cookie Doh” (Before U get da cookies, U gots 2 make da doh).

Apple
Three things I’m dying to say to a client today:

- (Upon hearing that activity X isn’t in the budget): Well, that’s funny; dumb fucking faces aren't in my budget yet here we are.
- Dear, X, rather than edit my content like the dumb cunt fucktard that you are, why don’t you just print it out, bring it to the bathroom with you, wipe your fat ass with it and fax it back?
- Actually, that's a really good idea, thanks. Hahahahahahahaha

Moustache
You’re going to be hearing a lot of Oscar and general movie thoughts from me over the next few weeks – I’m holding off on making any Oscar predictions or ranking the 2008 films for now until I’ve seen a few more movies and can be a bit more objective, but I do have one overarching theory / thought that I wanted to set up the next few weeks of posts with: The movies in 2008 sucked and everyone knows it. You know it, I know it, and you bet both the curly hairs on your left nut that the Academy knows it.

Now, even though the year as a whole was fairly dismal, there were still a number of standout films, the problem though is that they fall outside of the traditional “Best Pic” type. That doesn’t matter to the Academy though, they have a proven formula and they stick to it, come hell or bad films. Think about it, the Academy basically nominates the same five films every year. Almost without fail you’re getting:

1) Epic starring really famous person wearing makeup or period garb: Benjamin Button
2) The little indie movie that could: Slumdog
3) Historical figure / biopic: Milk
4) War / Holocaust / Courtroom: The Reader
5) Seminal event / news story: Frost / Nixon

Look at 2007, you could use the same formula and dissect the nominees.

1) Epic starring really famous person wearing makeup: Atonement
2) The little indie movie that could: Juno
3) War / Holocaust / Courtroom: Michael Clayton
4) Seminal event / news story: There Will Be Blood

No Country For Old Men doesn’t really fit, but I think you get my point. Go back through the archives and that formula will work every year.

One little difference between 2008 and 2007 – ’07 was a fantastic year for films, all five nominees were outstanding. So, in a widely publicized bad year, why didn’t the Academy shake it up a bit, nominate movies like The Dark Knight and Wall-E, two wholly original, creative, excellent movies? Yes, one’s a comic book movie and one’s animated, and neither of those categories fit within the little confines above, but who gives a fuck?

In my opinion, the Academy totally blew this one. They nominate inferior films that ft their criteria, totally blowing an opportunity to expand their horizons and acknowledge two films that will be remembered long after someone gets The Reader on Netflix, lets it sit on the coffee table for three months finally returning it unopened.

Thursday Thoughts

Apple
Why do people always hype up “steel cut” when they’re selling oatmeal? Why does this matter? Does anyone really care about the apparatus used to cut (not cook, or even serve, both of which seem much more important) their breakfast? “Turkey Sandwich with dirt-grown tomatoes.” “127 beers on tap, all served in water-washed glasses.” “Horny secretaries covered in testicle-generated spunk.”

Moustache
The NFL playing a game in Europe is the most obvious, self-aggrandizing since Michael Jackson named his son Prince Michael. Do the Brits really care about the NFL? Are we bringing over announces too? We’re not leaving this in English hands are we? “LaDainian Tomlinson just wholly whocked that defenseman, he made him look he was two tassels short of a tassel collection.” Viability of that aside, I’ll tell you one thing, when England returns the favor and hosts an unimportant regular season matchup of two very average cricket teams at the Rose Bowl, I will fucking WALK there if I have to!

Apple
Honestly, is there anything more moronic than the graphic ESPN showed during MNF comparing Brady’s first six starts to Cassel’s? There’s a certain “it” factor to NFL quarterbacks, a swagger, a confidence that when you walk into that huddle all 10 guys know, not think, know they’re going to win. Brady has it. Peyton has it. Jeff fucking Garcia has it. Young guys like Trent Edwards and Matt Ryan have it. Cassel does not. You can’t teach it, you can’t coach it, like big, beautiful natural C cups. You can fake it, you can work out and get great legs and a great ass, but if you ain’t born w/ beautiful, naturals Cs, you ain’t gettin em. The most telling play happened at the 3 minute mark in the 2nd quarter – 3rd and 10 from NE’s own 12 – Cassel drops back, throws a duck and then is absolutely raped by the OLB. Roughing the passer, 15 yards. The thing is, when that happened, I looked at Cassel and thought, “you lucky fuck.” If that were Brady, I would’ve been thinking, “man, how good is Brady, he totally drew that flag.” You see the difference?

Moustache
Let me ask you this, if you’re Larry Johnson, why wouldn’t you be spitting on bitches? I mean, name me one woman who has ran for over 1,500 yards in an NFL season? Exactly. Here was Herm’s response when asked about the situation, “You spit on bitches to prove a point! Hello! You spit to prove a point! You don’t spit to just spit! That’s the great thing about spitting. You spit they listen. I don’t care if she’s not listening, you spit to make her listen!”

Apple
How long until we see Brett Favre in a tuff guy cell phone commercial? I mean, has anyone’s cell phone been more scrutinized over the last year than this guy’s? So Brett’s in the huddle, waiting for the play to be called in but his helmet mike isn’t working, he’s tapping it repeatedly, looking to the sidelines for help. Close up shot of Eric Mangini with one of his patented “my bologna has a first name it’s O S C A R” facial expressions. Then Brett’s face breaks into a crooked smile and you can see him thinking “hey wait a minute, I’m Brett Favre, I can do whatever I want without any kind of reproach and reprimand” – so he takes a cell phone out of his belt and calls the offensive coordinator in the booth. “Hey, Jim, it’s Brett. I was thinking about a Z post, what do you think?” The offensive coordinator starts to object, but Brett just smiles and hangs up. Brett turns back to the huddle but before he calls the play he fires off a quick text message to Peter King. “Petey, thanks again for the rim job last night. Hope the bruise from my nuts slapping against your forehead gets better. B” Brett puts the phone back in his belt, calls the play and breaks the huddle. Once the ball is snapped, Brett avoids the rush, steps up in the pocket and throws a laser across the middle that is picked off by the safety and returned 87 yards for a touchdown. We fade to black as the announcers praise Brett’s approach to the game and scold the receivers for not being within 25 yards of the throw.

Moustache
Wade Phillips doesn’t have the hair to win a Super Bowl. He looks like a guy you’d buy stamps from. For non-baseball watchers like me, here’s a quick guide to how you can tell which team is going to win the World Series: always pick the team with the most disheveled looking manager. The Rays’ manager is way to put together after 180 games; he looks like a history professor at a community college. But the Phillies’ guy? That fat tub of shit is exactly what you want in the World Series. High School Musical 3: Senior Year, much more crowd-friendly than the original title: School Musical 3: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Anyone seen the new 90210? Jenny Garth and Lori Laughlin on the same show? Are you kidding me? That’s like Tony Danza fucking Alan Thicke! Hey, why stop at 18 games, NFL? Let’s make it 20! Wait, 25! Let’s play all year round! Come on, dickweeds, you know what the correct answer here is, don’t you? Adding more games to the most violent sport in history that doesn’t involve a tiger or the words “Pam Anderson” and “fisting” (very popular sport in Finland, although it's called "pfisting" there) is like getting an incredible blowjob and then asking the chick to dance and blow bubbles with your milkshake. Just enjoy your success and watch Seinfeld.

Gametime!

Last week I was driving back from a meeting in the East Bay. I was listening to KNBR 680 ‘THE Sports Leader.” They were talking some sort of madness about Corey Maggette being the reason why the Warriors will be a serious Western Conference contender this year. You have to love local sports talk radio. But that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing because during the commercial break they had a “special prize pack giveaway” to caller number 9. Having nothing else to do (besides drive), and using my handsfree device (because I’m a rule follower people!) I called in. Lo and behold Magglio was the lucky caller number 9. And what did I win for my deft ability to time a switchboard? Two tickets to see the Packers face the Niners in San Francisco. (pause for excitement). This Saturday. (Pause for disappointment because it’s a preseason game.) In the upper deck. (Pause for anger. How does a radio station give away upper deck seats. And at a pre-season game nonetheless.)

So – besides the fact that these tickets all around sucked more than Taylor Swift’s music interlude during the Olympics last night – I already had plans this Saturday. (more on that later in the week.) So I did what I normally would do in this situation. I opened them up to the community at-large; Craigslist.


Here was the posting:

49ers vs. Green Bay - 2 tickets - FREE - $1 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: sale-794478621@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-12, 10:13PM PDT

I have 2 tickets to the Niners vs Packers on Saturday August 16th.
I cant make it
Seats are Section UR04, Row 07

These are free to a good home.
Tell me why you want them

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 794478621 *********


And here are some actual responses:

*********
Hi!
I'm a giant Favre fan, I will go there to scream and boo rodgers and mcCarthy, and hopefully Ted Thompson (pregame) as well. A lifelong fan and owner, I hate Ted for what he has done.
Thanks for considering me! I will pick up wherever you need me to be.Go Pack! Kelly

Dear Kelly – These tickets were all yours until you said you'd boo Aaron Rodgers. He's a local guy, a Pac-10 guy and we in the bay area support him whole heartedly. I understand what you say about Thompson and McCarthy, but this is not Rodgers' fault. I'm sorry, I cannot give my tickets to somebody who will be booing Aaron Rodgers. Go Niners. Go Pac-10.

Magglio

*******************

Hi there, I will have them. Let me know your contacts. -Vik

Vik – I just recently switched to glasses. And only for distance. Or driving. So I don’t really wear them enough to warrant contacts. But as soon as I get some contacts I’d be happy to introduce you guys. -Mags

*****************
Hello. I saw your ad on craigslist and was wondering if the two tickets are available for the game. I would love to attend due to the fact that I have only been to one 49er game in my whole life. The other reason is that I am in college which means I have a very limited budget these days and I wouldn't of had a chance at going to a 49er game without the help of fans like yourself who would be willing to give away two tickets. I am hoping to attend the game with a friend of mine who is also an avid fan of the niners. Please consider me for the pair of tickets to the Green Bay vs 49ers game and I would be more than willing to meet to pick them up today if need be. Thanks in advance and I look forward to your reply. Greg

Greg – It’s painfully obvious you are a scalper. Fuck off. Magglio

***************

hey there,
i would love, love, love, love, love your tickets to the niner game this weekend!! i'm a huge 49er fan and I think aaron rodgers is totally hot. he was a few years ahead of me at cal.
also totally hot -> my girlfriend and I. we can send u pix in exchange for the tickets?

see my myspace site for a preview:
http://www.myspace.com/16princess80
(the 16 and the 80 are for montana and rice!!)

let me know if you're interested
--jenny


Jenny -

Um. Well. Um.

Magglio



******

5 Things I Want to See Happen on Draft Day

1.
Cincy sends Ocho Cino and their 2nd rd pick (#46) to Philly for the #19 and Lito Sheppard.

Like the rest of you, I was stunned, flabbergasted even, when Cincy turned down Washington’s offer of a first rounder this year (# 21) and next, which seems like a pretty fair shake for a player that will never play for your franchise again. Cincy isn’t dumb enough to think they can get Chad to change his mind, so they must be holding out for a better deal. Well, here’s one. Basically this trade is the #46 for the #19, b/c both of the players want out and are essentially all but gone. Cincy fills a major hole in their defense and suddenly has two picks in the top 20, Philly adds a much needed vertical weapon. The one possible deal breaker would be, is Donovan ready to deal with another uber-talented but mercurial WR? After throwing to Reggie Brown, Hank Baskett and Kevin Curtis for the last two years, I say yes.

2.
Atlanta waits until the top of rd 2 to take a QB

Here’s the list of good QBs taken in the top 5 since 1995: Eli, Carson, McNabb, McNair, Peyton and kind of Philip Rivers. That’s 5 and ½ quality, Pro Bowl QB-caliber signal callers taken in the last 12 drafts. Ouch. Look, when you’re shitty, you can’t take chances. Atlanta is fucking dog shit. Now that they’ve traded their only good player, D Hall, they’re even worse, they’re dog shit that another dog ate and then shit out again. When you get to this point you need to draft solid, proven players, maybe they’re not flashy and maybe they won’t sell as many jerseys right away, but they provide the foundation to take a few chances, sign a few big names and climb back to respectability. Maybe Matt Ryan is the next Carson Palmer, maybe he’s the next David Carr, obviously there’s no way to know, but if I’m Atlanta I let him pass by, take Dorsey or Chris Long and then see who falls to me at #34. One of the tier-2 guys – Brohm, Flacco and Henne (who I like in that order, btw) will be there.

3.
San Francisco takes Gosder Cherilus at #29

Here’s a sneak preview of a post you’ll see from me before the NFL season starts: 4,932 reasons why the Mike Martz era in SF will be a goat fucking disaster and 1 reason why it might work. I hate this hiring on every single level possible, the wrong guy for the wrong team with the wrong QB in the wrong city. When the hiring was announced the conventional wisdom was that SF needed to load up on WRs to give Martz as many weapons as possible. I disagree with this entirely. If Martz’s offense has shown anything it’s the ability to make stars out of guys like Mike Furrey and Kevin Curtis, so he’ll do just fine with Jason Hill and Arnaz Battle. The real thing here is protection. Martz’s system calls for 3-4 and sometimes 5-6 receivers at one time, leaving the o-line and maybe an H-back or TE to handle any blitz, which puts a major, major precedence on the line being able to protect. The Niners drafted Staley last year and he looks like the real deal, they need to add another quality tackle to bookend the line and besides, when is adding a guy named Gosder a bad idea?

(P.S. the SF era will officially close the "Martz as a genius" era. He was the leader of a once in a lifetime offense, but look how good those players were. Holt, Bruce, Faulk and Pace in their primes, four first ballot HOFers, not many offenses can say that. You always hear things like "but Martz got the best out of Faulk!" It's Marshall Faulking Faulk! One of the top 5 all time RBs, of course he got the best out of him! That's like calling Michael Bay one of the greatest directors of all time b/c he made Megan Fox look hot in Transformers. It's Megan Foxing Fox!)

4.
Giants trade Jeremy Shockey to the Saints for their second rd pick (#40)

It’s time to end the Shockey era in NY, they got hot when he went down and won the SB while he was in a box drinking beers with guys named Ax and Dizz. Shockey still has some value and on the right team (i.e., a team where he won’t have to block at all, but will basically be a #2 WR masquerading as a TE), can still split the seams and move the chains. His stats have declined every year from his rookie season, but guess what? Guess who his offensive coordinator was when he had his breakout year? Yup, the pudgy guy in the visor who looks like he should be driving a school bus who’s now the head coach of the Saints. He’s the perfect fit on that team and would have a huge year. The Giants can use #40 to draft a DB or OLB.

5.
Pats and Jets draft the same player

Wouldn’t that be incredible? The Jets take someone like Gholston at #6 and then the Pats counter by taking him again at #7. This might result in Roger Goodell’s first recorded smile and would definitely make Mel Kiper’s head explode in a river of hair gel and 40 times. Basically the Pats approach to this draft and every draft is exactly the same, “we’re so good we don’t need any of these fucks! So fuck them and fuck you too!” Which of course is countered by Mangini’s approach, “Be vewwy, vewwy quiet...I'm hunting wabbits! I’ll get you, whascally Bewwachick.” Would be amazing when they cut to the Pats war room and everyone is laughing and flipping off the camera. God I hate both of these teams. Is there a stupider rivalry in sports than this one? It’s like the last scene in Commando when Arnold fights that Australian dude in the S&M vest, except both of these teams are the Australian dude in the S&M vest.

3 more days and counting...

Mental Kegels

Apologies in advance if Apples and Moustaches is bit scattered, distracted and overly sweaty this week. There is a perfect storm brewing that could very well lead to our demise. Two events this week in particular are looming;

Wednesday: The Raconteurs at Bimbo’s

Saturday: The NFL draft

We’re anticipating spontaneous combustion or possibly a gentle simmer, to a boil to a full blown explosion. So bear with us. Please. So for today, while we go through our mental kegels in prepartion for the week’s events…here are some links to check out:


*For our female readers, check out these bad ass shoes Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing. You know I’m not into shoe fetishes but these pics lead me to rethink my positioning.


*Radiohead is on Late Night with Conan O’Brien this Wednesday. They’re performing live from London and telecasting the performance in order to reduce their carbon footprint. Is there anything they can’t do? Damn it they're cool. Also, they have an upcoming hour long show on the Music HD channel sometime in May. We'll find the date/time for you...stay tuned.


*Kanye West and his fiancé who nobody really cares about have broken up. I guess we have to go with the obvious joke here..“She takes my money…”


*An interview with Tina Fey and Amy Poheller discussing their new upcoming movie, Baby Mama. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1,000 times. These bitches are funny. I hope Kristen Wiig makes an appearance.


*Over/Under on Myley Cyrus turning into the next Britney Spears? Two years, 3 months, 12 days. That's my guess. Check these pics out and then place your bets.


*This video always leaves me satisfied.

A little pre draft chatter...

(BLOGGER IS BEING STUPID. WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME POSTING A PICTURE TODAY. SO PLEASE, IMAGINE A FUNNY, TIMELY, RELEVANT/IRRELEVANT PICTURE HERE. THANKS, MANAGEMENT.)



*an actual conversation over IM between Magglio and Jericho today...



Jericho: We’re going to Ruth’s Chris tonight for Treek’s b-day.


Magglio: Nice. Are you gonna get a steak?


Jericho: No I’m going to get the veggie platter. Pussy.


Magglio: Morgan just texted me that Chad Johnson got traded to the Cowboys for their 1st round pick. Asshole. He got me on that one.


Jericho: Haha. That could totally happen.


Magglio: McNair retired. Anyone really care?


Jericho: All of the sudden the Ravens have the most interesting pick at 8. Do they trade up to get Matt Ryan?


Magglio: You’re forgetting about Kyle Boller aka Jesus in Cleats.


Jericho: If McFadden falls to them, watch them trade the pick to DAL for 22 and 28 take Brian Brohm.


Magglio: I love that call but McFadden wont fall. He's too good.


Jericho: But no one needs a running back.


Magglio: All the talk about his character is just a bluff. Teams hope he’ll fall.


Jericho: Adrain peterson fell to #7. RBs fall dude.


Magglio: Frank Gore fell to the 3rd round.


Jericho: And he's fisting a chicken right now.


Magglio: You're God damn right he is. What do you think Marty Booker is doing right now?


Jericho: Dripping his vagina juice into his daily "my vagina juice" smoothie.


Magglio: Wow.


Jericho: Am I wrong?


Magglio: No, no, I think you’re right about that one.


Jericho: What about Chad Johnson to the Bronocs? For the #12?


Magglio: And then who does Cincy take?


Jericho: They keep the #9. They have the #9 and #12. Plus it’s a rich WR draft. They could take a DL and an OLB in rd 1. Then grab a WR top of rd 2. Housh is ready to be the #1. Or trade with Philly at #19 or the Bucs at #20. Seriously, every team can use #85, right?


Magglio: I guess so.


Jericho: Don't you feel like the Raiders are about to do something real, real dumb?


Magglio: Like spend 100 mil on Javon Walker and that fat fuck who plays line?


Jericho: And then draft Matt Ryan at #4 and play him and the fat fuck they took last year at same time.


Magglio: JaMarcus? You hear he reported to camp pushing 3 bills?


Jericho: Haha. Fuck the Raiders. What do you think jay cutler doing right now?


Magglio: French braiding Mike Shanahan’s inner leg hair and asking him to retell the story of Elway in Super Bowl 32. And practicing his "mean" face.


Jericho: “Coach? Does this look mean? What about this?”


Magglio: Ok, so here are our options for draft day drinking.

1) A drink per round
2) Piles*
3) A drink whenever they use the term 'upside'


Jericho: Obviously we're playing piles. I don't want to be all regimented. I just want to slowly and methodically destroy you, like I do with everything else


Magglio: Regardless we take a bong hit whenever our teams (San Francisco and Seattle) draft or make a move. Agree?


Jericho: For sure.


Magglio: What are we drinking? Coors light? Miller light?


Jericho: I could play piles with elephant piss and still smoke you, Diane. Laura. Sara. Stacey. Fucking bitch.





*Piles is a game Magglio and Jericho invented and perfected in college. The game is simple really. Every time you finish a beer you throw it into your pile. Then, you proceed to make fun of the other guy’s pile. Yep, those are the rules of piles.